miércoles, 7 de marzo de 2012

Si hablas, no conduzcas


Ayer ví esta película tan...tan...tan...

No sé, os la cuento ya ya decidís vosotros.

La cosa va de un menda que se dedica a arreglar coches con mucha maña, a doblar escenas de riesgo para pelis, a conducir para chorizos por las noches y, en el ratito que le queda, aún le da para ligar y meterse en un tremendo fregado.

La publicidad dice que es "a blood pumping thrill ride of a movie", y cuando la terminas te preguntas en serio si no necesitarás un par de meses en Inglaterra porque no has entendido bien, un cardiólogo porque tienes una bradicardia severa o si la tal publi la escribió un político español.

El protagonista va de imperturbable, supongo, pero el resultado es que el agente Hotchner de Criminal Minds a su lado es la alegría de la huerta y Horatio Caine  de CSI todo un festival.

Los diálogos de la peli vienen siendo tal que así:

- Hey
-...
-...
- Hi
-...
-...
- You ok?
-...
-...
- Ok

"-... "equivale a tres minutos enteros y no estoy de coña.

Es posible que yo me liara pensando que iba a ver un telefilme de acción y en realidad se trata de un estudio sobre la telepatía...o de una peli muda, que todo es posible.

No dejo de flipar con el hecho de que el menda ligase con su vecina, quien doy fe de que tenía el mismo síndrome, que ya es casualidad.

La pasta que se puede gastar en colirio una pareja de éstas debe rondar el medio sueldo.

Lo mejor de la peli, como siempre fue el final, apoteósico en mi caso, porque no pude parar de reírme en un rato larguísimo.

Y todo porque se me ocurrió entrar en una web en la que la peña opinaba sobre lo que yo acababa de ver.

Consigno como hecho curioso que la mitad del personal se registró por primera vez en la página sólo para poder hacer un comentario.

Aquí os lo dejo, espero que os guste tanto como a mí...

N. de A.: Como siempre, el primero que pongo es mi campeón. Y una pista, la puntuación de la peli en la web era de 8,2 sobre 10.

No las traduzco porque pierden parte de la gracia y no es plan, y además sé que tod@s tenéis el nivel cinco de OACI en inglés.

......

My first review here and to be honest this film was so utterly pathetic i felt i had to sign up and write one.

I spent £9 of my hard-earned money at Odean to see this abomination and rather get all-depth and technical with my review, i will instead mention 5 ways to better spend £9.



1. Buy a tin of Dulux emulsion paint...apply to any inanimate object and then watch dry for 2 hours.

2. Attend a local bank and convert into 900 pennies. Swallow said pennies one by one until eventual death



3. Put £9 worth of fuel into your automobile. Find a large roundabout and drive around said roundabout continuously until you run out of fuel. Walk home.



4. Pay a local homeless person £9 to kick you in the wedding tackle. Hard.



5. Purchase a large rock to throw at Ryan Gosling 

I hope this adequately expresses my feelings on this movie.

.......

Ryan Gosling plays a Hollywood stunt driver who also has a part time job being the escape car driver for local thugs.

He gets involved in the life of his next door neighbor, her kid and the husband who owes money to the mafia boss Gosling's character happens to works for.

The film plays out terribly as the murky and simplistic plot is all over the place and the pacing of the film so off, it just beggars belief.

The many scenes just showing Gosling's blood stained clothes are so slow and stretched out that you can see the changing of seasons in the background.

And every time our hero starts to talk there's a standard 6 seconds delay before he actually starts to mutter his script lines. - Excuse me while I tear the hair from my cranium -.

Action sequences are few and far between and the story itself is completely by the numbers, excavating only stereotypical behaviour and gratuitous violence from the flimsily drawn out characters.

Think of a Tarantino movie you liked, then strip away the interesting characters, the music, the daring plot and sharp dialog. 

What is left is good cinematography and an incredibly cool choice of font for the end credits.

I'm seriously left dumbfounded as to what prompts people to vote this rear-ender more than 6 stars. 

Perhaps it is the overall quality of films nowadays which seems to be in a hasty decline, rendering people clueless as to what rating to give to a film.

But I can safely say that this project is as lifeless as it is artless and I would recommend the 1999 movie Ghost Dog in stead.

A movie that shares many parallels with 'Drive' but which is made with far more authenticity, humor and overall class. Not to mention it having an actual plot line.

........

I have no idea how this movie has received such glowing reviews.

Gosling appears to be heavily sedated throughout the movie, and the virtual lack of dialogue through the majority of the film just adds to the overall boring experience.

Overall it's a movie about nothing with no message at all, and it ends by leaving you with no sense of closure or understanding of why you have been subjected to such a depressing experience.

If there was any message at all, I would say it was that life sucks and then you die, or crime doesn't pay perhaps, but overall that's a little bit too Disney for my tastes, but perhaps this will appeal to the masses?

Do yourself a favour, and spend your time watching something else, or at the very least take some Valium to get yourself in the correct frame of mind for this slow-paced, self-indulgent offering.

No Stars.

.......

They succeeded to compress the entire movie intro the trailer...,

.......

And I for my first time writing a review on IMDb, am outrageous.

8.2!!!!ARE YOU FXXXING KIDDING ME!!!!!

Shame on you(whoever did this)!

.......

If possible, I would rate this movie a 0.

I did not pay for my ticket, and I felt bad for the person who did for wasting their money.

.......

Holy crap did I watch the same thing as everyone else????!!!

.......

 $15,000,000 Budget..Is that a joke?

.......

I think Ryan had like 10 lines in the whole movie, I'm still not sure what it was about and they tried to be artsy yet failed miserably.

His character never had a name, what is that about, seriously?

Not to mention the font in the title was awful, I guess that should have been my first clue.

I did like the wall paper in some of the scenes.

........

A Complete Ripoff - This Is Why Motion Picture Piracy Is Such A Problem!

This movie is a shining example of why film and music piracy runs so rampant today.

I am angry that I was conned out of my hard earned money for this drivel, and that 2 hours of my valuable time was completely wasted by watching it.

So much so, in fact, that not only will I be returning this DVD for a full and complete refund, I will also honestly entertain the idea of filing a civil suit against the producers of this piece of scheiße for the value of my time spent purchasing, watching, and returning this piece of scheiße to the store, as well as for punitive damages due to the emotional & psychological toll this awful excuse of a story has taken on me by exposing my senses to it for such a excruciatingly difficult 2 hours of my life.

I hope the idiots who are responsible for this film meet the same fate as most of the characters "portrayed" in it. No, really... I do mean this, wholeheartedly.

6 comentarios:

  1. Es una medio mierda de peli como el medio sombrero de un picaor. Lo digo porque la deje a la mitad. Tenía cosas mejores que hacer, como ver crecer la hierba...

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  2. Juas. Los comentarios de la peña son geniales. Yo no pensaba verla porque ya me habían comentado que era una mierda pinchada en un palo, pero ahora, menos.

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  3. Me ha llamado la atención el curre "conducir para chorizos por las noches" ..... a dónde hay que aplicar una solicitúd. ;))

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  4. Irse a ver la de INTOCABLE, me lo agradecereis.
    Que buen rollo deja, oye...
    y si te va la acción hay un negrata espectacular que conduce un Maserati del taco...ya me dirás

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  5. Con lo que a mí me gusta la Hendricks... mare mía, que decepción de peli. Y pausas de 6 segundos antes de cada frase del Gosling, literales. Parece que va hinchao de valiums, el cabronazo. Alguien me la describió como "una peli para chicas, de chicos", pero no acabé de comprenderlo ¬¬

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  6. ajuega, "A la atención de Don Pepiño"? :-)

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